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Ever since I was a child, I idolized my mom. Every time I would ask what was for dinner, she always had an answer. I wondered how she remembered all of the bills she had to pay and also knew how much to pay. I wondered who told her how to organize her home and raise her children. As I got older and started to go to my friends’ houses, I saw that their moms always knew what was for dinner too. So, I saw all these adults taking care of homes and families and admired how they always knew what to do. I always thought about how I couldn’t wait to be an adult for the obvious reasons of eating ice cream for breakfast and not having a bedtime.
I remember in my teenage years I wondered if someone gave you a book at a certain age – like How to Adult for Dummies. I never worried about what I was going to do when I got older because I saw all these adults around me every day. I figured if I didn’t get a handout of how the world works and how to function in it, one day it was just going to click for me. So imagine my surprise when I realized there is NO HANDBOOK. No general rules of how to be an adult. Little to no education on it in school. Thank goodness I at least learned that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, or that Pi is 3.141592654. My mentality of “having it all click” was now a dying flame that even gasoline couldn’t revive. I kept thinking back to my mom—thinking about how she did it all those years.
Realizing There’s No Handbook
I started living on my own during the COVID shutdown. Just like everyone else during these uncertain times, I picked up the hobby of scrolling. I dedicated so much time to this you’d think I was a professional on the subject. This was the rise of TikTok, and being an influencer was becoming much more mainstream. Our generation started a revolution, and found this avenue of how to make money from the comfort of our homes. While the majority of the general population sat, becoming addicted to our phones and living vicariously through the people we watched. Waiting to see them fail even in the slightest way so their perfect image would be completely discredited. Cancel culture had been created so we could remind influencers that they’re no different than the rest of us. We watched people who were just ordinary become overnight sensations. It was like breaking the norm of what it meant to be a celebrity.
Now, let’s combine all these factors together. First, I’m a newly established adult. Second, for the first time in my lifetime, we’re dealing with a global shutdown because of a pandemic that seems to be tearing the world apart. Third, I’m now watching people who are just like me have all their dreams come true and their problems answered almost instantaneously while I sit back, broke, and miserable. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? Watching all these people who have seemingly perfect lives and not a care in the world. I sat there resentful that they didn’t have to deal with the same problems I did because they had it all together.
I’d find myself doom scrolling in the dark hours of the night. Telling myself everything will be perfect if I have clear skin. I’d sit looking through thousands of products and videos just to get analysis paralysis and not buy a single one, summing my troubles up to being solved by drinking more water. If it wasn’t clear skin then it was paying off all my debt. If it wasn’t that then it had to be something else. Just one problem that once solved was going to make my life perfect. Now being 25 and having a better understanding of this whole “adulting” thing, I realize that I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. As I progressed and started to find my footing on my own, I still struggled. Imagine my shock when I would be approached by peers around me saying, “You really look like you’ve got it all figured out.” Meanwhile, I’m self diagnosed with a terminal case of imposter syndrome, wondering who allowed me to live on my own.
The Awakening
Truth is, I realized you’re never going to have it all figured out, but you can work toward not making your brain feel like that one scene from SpongeBob depicted above (you know the one with the fire burning everywhere). I was so shocked to realize that everyone, everywhere, all the time… is winging it. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Ever. As I started moving through life with this newfound perspective, I really started to see the true colors of the world. I started to have different opinions than my family. I began questioning all authority around me as I saw just how much free will we have as humans.
I saw people I once looked up to as a child deal with hardship and make poor decisions that would impact them for the rest of their lives because of it. The fantasy I had created around being a grown-up had now crumbled down and turned to ashes at my feet, and all I was left with was the harsh reality that it’s up to me.
It was the most grounding AND overwhelming realization I had to come to as I got older. I was now 21 years old, and I had no idea how to do it all on my own (and how to look beautiful, get a full night’s rest, and drink plenty of water while doing it). I would find myself having days and nights where my brain would be so overloaded I could only find escape by indulging in altering my reality. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 17, so trying to quiet my thoughts was a constant battle. Remembering that one parking ticket I didn’t pay over a year ago but needing that money for rent. Not knowing how to not spend $150 at the grocery store when I was only feeding myself and 1 devil cat. (But Bear is still the best, despite being awful).
A Cycle of Stress and Anxiety
The anxiety of checking my bank account was too much to bear, so most of the time, I would just opt not to check it. It was a horrendous, repetitive cycle I’d find myself in—all because I didn’t know there wasn’t a handbook. I grew resentful of my parents, thinking, how could they possibly let me go through life without setting me up better? It wasn’t until years later that I had the full circle moment that they too were just… winging it. It wasn’t them setting me up for failure; it was my rite of passage to now find my own path as an adult and dictate how I was going to live my life.
Redefining Success in the Modern World
Oftentimes we measure success simply by the money in our bank account, by graduating college, and having a high-paying corporate job with a corner office and a penthouse to match. That could not be farther from what each generation is growing up to be. Especially as we continue to advance as a society, we can’t hold ourselves to the same expectations our parents and grandparents were held to; it just isn’t realistic. We feel expected to be able to buy a house and maintain it with a penny, a napkin, and a potato chip in our pockets, eat 3 healthy and well-rounded meals a day, work out 5 times a week, work 40 hours a week, still have hobbies and a social life, drink half of your body weight in ounces of water a day, keep your place clean, get outside to get enough vitamin D, meditate, and, oh, don’t forget to look super hot while doing it. Social media makes it all so easy to make us feel bad about ourselves, but we have to remember it’s a window where people keep all of their skeletons in their closet with the door closed. Even the people closest to us, who have good intentions, can still add to the pressure of “having it all together.” Our loved ones want to guide us in the direction to be successful, but their path to success may look different than ours. Their entire idea of success may look different. Their intention is to be helpful and encouraging but in reality it might just overwhelm you.
Perfectionism—The Silent Killer
While setting goals and having aspirations is amazing and gives us an idea of what we should strive for, we should also not get lost in the fact that we’re not where we’re “supposed” to be or where we feel like we should be. When we allow this feeling to fester and grow, we form that annoying trait of perfectionism. The idea of perfection is subjective, it’s a shoe that no one can share because everyone is a different size.
It could be something as simple as being mad that your skin is breaking out, blaming yourself for messing up your skin routine when in fact there are so many reasons why we get breakouts and you can’t pinpoint an exact reason as to why. Perfectionism is shutting down in a dance class because you didn’t get the one move in the choreography (but you still did the rest of the combo perfectly). Perfectionism is cooking a brand new recipe you’ve been so excited about but saying the dish is ruined because you added too much pepper (even though you love pepper). Perfectionism is getting mad at yourself for getting an 89 on your exam because it should’ve been a 90 (even though you still got the highest score in the class). Perfection isn’t always measurable, so how unfair of us to strive for a goal that might not even be achievable?
Taking the First Step Toward Progress
The plague of perfectionism can’t be cured overnight, but with consistency, empathy, and a little bit of messing up, we can chip away at it until one day it’s not there anymore. Let’s talk about it.
Embrace Imperfection
I’ve recently started to practice embracing imperfection more and more, and the relief is so freeing. Imperfection doesn’t diminish your worth as a person. I heard a great phrase before that goes something like this: “Something being incorrect is an objective fact. We choose to tie emotion to it.” Don’t be sad that it’s not perfect; recognize you have room to grow. Journeys are not linear; we can only learn from the mistakes we make. Imperfection is just information we now have to see where we need to improve.
Set Realistic Expectations
It is great to have big goals we want to accomplish someday, but we aren’t going to get there overnight. Every time we get overwhelmed, we can break it down into smaller and more manageable tasks that will overall add up to obtaining that big goal we have in mind. For example, if your goal is to pay off $10,000 in debt, then start by telling yourself when you want to achieve this goal. Then, you would break that number down to where you know how much money you need to save every paycheck and how much you can do without breaking the bank. Again, BE REALISTIC! For most people, that debt isn’t getting paid off in 6 months. Adjust the time that needs to be taken to achieve that goal so you’re not bending yourself backward trying to make something work that just won’t. If you want to clean your whole apartment, take it one room at a time. Set a timer for 1 hour, and that’s how long you have in each room. Or break it down into the order things will get picked up. Maybe you’ll go pick up all the garbage first, then the dirty clothes, then put everything else away and dust. Have a way to keep track of your progress. Celebrate the progress! Look at where you started, to where you are now. The “you” before you started felt so much more hopeless than the “you” who’s doing it!
Don’t Compare
I think this is one of the hardest things to do. Between peers, coworkers, family, and especially social media, we compare ourselves to one another all day, every day. This fuels your perfectionism even more because you tangibly see someone living in the ways you want to succeed. Just because that is how you are perceiving them doesn’t mean they’re not deceiving you. If you find you’re comparing yourself to others while on social media, then put your phone down for some time. It is up to us to recognize that we are doing something unhealthy at the moment and make that correction ourselves.
If you are at work and someone looks like they’re getting more praise than you, remember that you’re in the position you’re in for a reason. If your boss thought you were bad at your job, they would fire you. You earned to be where you are today, and it is a disservice to yourself to diminish that role, considering all the hard work you put in to get there. The grass on their side is in most cases just as brown and shitty as you think your grass is. Focus on YOU!
Surround Yourself with Support
You are the company you keep, so don’t have a shitty inner circle. You want to surround yourself with people who want the best FOR you, not FROM you. People who will help you when you are in need. Having people you can fall back on when you need a second opinion or need some sense smacked into you is life-changing. Let your friends call you out when you could do better, have people who encourage you to keep going even when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have friends who fuel you, not drain you.
Practice Self-Compassion
Having a healthy inner dialogue is the biggest game-changer when it comes to combating perfectionism. While holding ourselves accountable is very important and helps us stay self-aware, we dance a fine line between self-awareness and bullying ourselves. Think of it this way: If your best friend came to you and said that they missed a deadline at work, what would you say to them? I bet any amount of money you wouldn’t tell your friend that they suck and are a failure for doing that. (Unless your friendships are completely satire, then disregard this example). You’d never say, “How dare you miss something that was so important when it was expected of you.”
So if you wouldn’t say that to one of the closest people to you… why would you say that to yourself? We are humans who make mistakes. Those mistakes need to be addressed so we’re aware of how to correct them for the future, but that’s all it needs to be. If you swung as hard as you possibly could, then you still did your best. That in itself is something to celebrate. Tell yourself, “It’s okay” when you make a mistake. Remind yourself that you are not defined by your mistakes, and they will just help craft you into the highest version of yourself.
Celebrate Your Journey and Growth Beyond Perfection
While we do have the odds against us in a lot of ways to be successful as an early adult in today’s day and age, we also sometimes are our own worst enemy. If we can change what we control to keep ourselves focused and make things more manageable for ourselves, we really start to see just how well we’re doing for ourselves. Every other person you come across is figuring it out every single day, you just might not see it. Perfection is a MYTH, there are no repercussions for not being perfect. Next time you find yourself thinking about everything you did wrong, try flipping the narrative. Reflect on what you did right, no matter how small it may seem. Because the truth is, perfection doesn’t exist, and your progress is worth celebrating every step of the way. Growth comes in many forms—and it’s the messy, imperfect moments that make it all meaningful. I like to think that all of my role models I look up to have had earth shattering sobbing sessions in the dark, and that might not be too far from the truth. Break the illusion you have of perfection and let the real growth begin. We have the destination of where we want to be someday, but let’s celebrate the journey as well.
